The LDS Air Force Wife: Confessions of a Guilty Mother

Confessions of a guilty mom: We recently moved Bub and Pants into a room together because Bub’s bed broke. We had a lot of things stashed under his bed and the new bed we found is a loft bed, therefore no room to store things. We had to rearrange three storage closets, move the kids in together and create a playroom in the room that was Pants’s. We did this to free up the closet space and I have been missing a playroom since we moved to Japan. This house is small, and I am tired of the kids toys all over the place because they have no where to play. Since this shift though, there has been nothing but tears. Bub and Pants do not get along well as it is so to put them together is asking for it. We have heard from Bub, “There are too many sisters,” “Her music is so loud,” “She reads out loud when I am trying to read,” “I had plans for my space,” and a valid one, “I have no where to change in private.” This all just tugs at my heart. I realize that many kids share rooms and we just have the unfortunate girl, boy, girl situation. I also have a very dramatic little boy whose sister knows how to push his buttons. I am having a hard time getting over my guilt and am ready for the kids to realize a new routine and the benefits of having a play area.

Next area of guilt: I do not know how to deal with the roller coaster emotions of a tween. I am a person who will just say what I feel, sometimes to the unfortunate result of hurting tender feelings of those around me. My poor mother is a saint and I am sure she saw all this coming as she knows my personality all to well. My husband is so much better at just stepping back and realizing that sometimes Bear is not going to be rational. He is so unfailingly kind. So far, I have had no patience for the dramatics and I need to figure out a way to deal with these tender budding emotions before I ruin the relationship I have with my sweet, changing, daughter. All I seem to be able to do lately is pray for forgiveness at my actions and the patience to listen better.

Why am I staying all this? Because today I find myself feeling tired of being fake. For instance, I have a love hate relationship with Facebook. I realize it's benefits but for me, it sets up an unrealistic expectation. I seem to just post our big events and our fun times. This is not the real day to day life that I lead. I am feeling the mundane life today and I want to express my real emotions. I do not find joy in posting on Facebook and I seem to compare myself to others who do. This is not fair to me or them. People should do what brings them joy and this does not steal joy from me. So, I will, in joy, post my strange feelings today. I will try to make this blog a little more then just a travel log today. I will not seek for any recognition and I hope that this just goes out into the ether for me to stumble upon one day when I need to remember that life it real.

Here are some fun things that we did this winter, shared here so that I can remember the joy.